Good Things About Twilight, and the Bad Things That Ruined Them
-Charlie giving a sex talk was hilarious
-Edward's comment about Jacob: "Doesn't he own a shirt?" was chuckle-worthy
-The vampire "breaking" effect was pretty cool
-There was a lot of ass-kicking, some even from the pussy vampires
-The actors who play Jasper and Alice have great chemistry, and their scene was great
-Jasper and Rosalie's backstories get to show that once they were awesome. Especially Rosalie.
-The new Victoria
-They learned how to style Alice and Rosalie's hair better and they looked much cuter
-Bella and Edward trying to have sex and every mom in the theater clamping their hands over their nine-year-old's eyes. Somehow very steamy without removing any clothes. PROVES TWILIGHT IS PORN FOR PRETEENS.
-The line: "I kissed Bella...and she broke her hand...on my face."
-The trailers were awesome. Chiefly, Dawn Treader and Deathly Hallows. They played the one right after the other and I thought I was going to have a seizure.
That being said. Bad things about Eclipse.
-The flashbacks were very clumsily handled
-Lautner, Pattinson and Stewart still can't say a full sentence
-Ruins an entire generation of woman for functional relationships, as they will expect their boyfriends to be like Edward and he will SACRIFICE EVERYTHING FOR THEIR EVERY NEED and they will NEVER HAVE FIGHTS and if they do THEIR LOVE WILL SEE THEM THROUGH PROBLEM-SOLVING IS FOR NOT REAL LOVE
-Jacob turned into a huge dick overnight
-Everything after the Volturi killed Bree Tanner draaaagged. That's the half hour of my life that I'm insisting be refunded.
-"This was never a choice." Really? Cause the trailers and the screaming fangirls in this theater say otherwise.
-Speaking of which, the fans at the theater. I played "you rage you lose" and lost within thirty seconds of stepping inside, when I saw a girl walk past wearing a "Mrs. Emily Cullen" shirt.
-Movie teaches you that deciding to make a permanent choice that you really, really can't undo at eighteen is a wonderful and applaudable thing to do if it's because you REALLY REALLY LOVE HIM SO MUCH WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART and what you want today is exactly what you'll want in ten years, five years, six months, as anyone who's followed their boyfriend/girlfriend to college can tell you.
-Every scene between Jacob and Bella and Edward reminded me of how creepy Jacob's relationship with Nessie is. "You know, honey, once I tried to kill your dad! And your mom and I made out! Twice! And once she didn't even punch me for it!"
-So newborns are daaaaangerous and very very bad and yet somehow you didn't lose a single person in the fight? Just because you like the characters you shouldn't make them functionally invincible. I still hold that Jasper should have died in Eclipse, and SOMEONE should've died in Breaking Dawn. Preferably a whole lot of those useless side characters they introduced for, in the end, ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.
-FLAT CHARACTERS.
-Every time Edward says he's bad for Bella/shouldn't be with Bella etc. God kills a kitten.
-Once again, they devoted disproportionate screen time to the angst and the fight lasted like a minute. That was a cool fight. It could've taken up the space of about three angst scenes. Or most of the time they spent in that tent bitching.
-They don't use their decent actors. Rosalie got a scene, Carlisle got a couple lines. What about Jacob's dad? He's a pretty cool guy. He played the part of Mr. Exposition and Foreshadowing, and that was about it. Bella's human friends, including the Academy Award-nominated one? Two scenes.
-"It's Victoria." THANK YOU WHAT A BRILLIANT LEAP OF LOGIC THAT EVERYONE SHOULD'VE MADE ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AGO.
-Needless side plot with Victoria and that guy. Riley, I think. Rileys suck in every vampire show they're in apparently.
All in all, there were some good bits, but they didn't make seeing the movie worth it. It was still less painful than New Moon. But I think childbirth may be less painful than New Moon. Also possibly shorter.
No comments:
Post a Comment