Vomiting alligators et al.

When I was a kid, I read a lot of Animorphs. In one book, one of the Animorphs develops an allergy to some of the animal genetic material she had picked up, specifically, alligator DNA. In a scene that in retrospect is not at all fitting for a children's book, she throws up said "genetic material" in the form of AN ENTIRE ALLIGATOR in a zoo bathroom. Yes, she vomits an alligator. Now, I want you to imagine the sounds that would accompany vomiting a full-sized alligator. Think really, really hard. Got it? Okay.

Those are exactly the sounds I listen to all day at home. My father has acute pancreatitis, which makes you violently ill. However, a surgery years ago left him unable to throw up, so he can't actually be sick. Just the noises.

I would love to pity him but a number of incidents make this difficult, so mostly I just worry. I am the oldest of three, and we are aged 19, 16 and 8. I am in college, my sister will soon be going to a very expensive college, and some years after that my brother graduates and (hopefully) goes to college. Between the pancreatitis and the fact that my father is currently on his third or fourth hip, he cannot hold a job. We are living off of disability and my grandparents' insurance money and somehow we still keep going on expensive vacations. Even better, he keeps planning them!

For some mysterious reason my mother tells me I am not supposed to worry about having to support my entire family within the next five years. Apparently there is some magic fountain of money tended to by unicorns that keeps us, but she can't tell me for fear I will betray its location to the evil vampire wizard and his horde of werewolf ninjas.

I would keep a horde of werewolf ninjas.

Marriage < casual sex...?

So a girl I went to church with just posted ultrasounds today. She is 18 and just got married in April. And I don't know if this applies to her, but knowing the environment she grew up in, it probably does.

I can almost understand raising your children with that wait-until-marriage attitude. Almost. Probably because I was raised that way. But I've noticed an awful lot of people who were taught that sex is between a husband and wife end up getting married awfully young. I want to know this: how do you think marriage is LESS life-changing than premarital sex? Youth is a time for you to be free to make mistakes, major in philosophy, go on dates with losers, get drunk and have sex with some douchebag frat boy, experiment with your hot roommate, try weed, and did I mention be free? Why would you ever tie yourself down this young, especially if all you're after is sex? It's like buying a house so you can bake a cake!

Now, I've just realized I've done none of these youthful things up there. Off to rectify this.

Ah, QAF

I think Queer As Folk may actually have a negative effect on my cognitive functions. Every time I watch a bunch I end up prancing around and talking like Emmett.

Good Things About Eclipse

So, my sister's friends ditched her and she cried because she had no one to see the new Twilight movie with, so I sucked it up and went to the midnight premiere. I want two hours of my life back. Or at least the last half hour. So, I proudly present to you..

Good Things About Twilight, and the Bad Things That Ruined Them

-Charlie giving a sex talk was hilarious

-Edward's comment about Jacob: "Doesn't he own a shirt?" was chuckle-worthy

-The vampire "breaking" effect was pretty cool

-There was a lot of ass-kicking, some even from the pussy vampires

-The actors who play Jasper and Alice have great chemistry, and their scene was great

-Jasper and Rosalie's backstories get to show that once they were awesome. Especially Rosalie.

-The new Victoria

-They learned how to style Alice and Rosalie's hair better and they looked much cuter

-Bella and Edward trying to have sex and every mom in the theater clamping their hands over their nine-year-old's eyes. Somehow very steamy without removing any clothes. PROVES TWILIGHT IS PORN FOR PRETEENS.

-The line: "I kissed Bella...and she broke her hand...on my face."

-The trailers were awesome. Chiefly, Dawn Treader and Deathly Hallows. They played the one right after the other and I thought I was going to have a seizure.

That being said. Bad things about Eclipse.

-The flashbacks were very clumsily handled

-Lautner, Pattinson and Stewart still can't say a full sentence

-Ruins an entire generation of woman for functional relationships, as they will expect their boyfriends to be like Edward and he will SACRIFICE EVERYTHING FOR THEIR EVERY NEED and they will NEVER HAVE FIGHTS and if they do THEIR LOVE WILL SEE THEM THROUGH PROBLEM-SOLVING IS FOR NOT REAL LOVE

-Jacob turned into a huge dick overnight

-Everything after the Volturi killed Bree Tanner draaaagged. That's the half hour of my life that I'm insisting be refunded.

-"This was never a choice." Really? Cause the trailers and the screaming fangirls in this theater say otherwise.

-Speaking of which, the fans at the theater. I played "you rage you lose" and lost within thirty seconds of stepping inside, when I saw a girl walk past wearing a "Mrs. Emily Cullen" shirt.

-Movie teaches you that deciding to make a permanent choice that you really, really can't undo at eighteen is a wonderful and applaudable thing to do if it's because you REALLY REALLY LOVE HIM SO MUCH WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART and what you want today is exactly what you'll want in ten years, five years, six months, as anyone who's followed their boyfriend/girlfriend to college can tell you.

-Every scene between Jacob and Bella and Edward reminded me of how creepy Jacob's relationship with Nessie is. "You know, honey, once I tried to kill your dad! And your mom and I made out! Twice! And once she didn't even punch me for it!"

-So newborns are daaaaangerous and very very bad and yet somehow you didn't lose a single person in the fight? Just because you like the characters you shouldn't make them functionally invincible. I still hold that Jasper should have died in Eclipse, and SOMEONE should've died in Breaking Dawn. Preferably a whole lot of those useless side characters they introduced for, in the end, ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.

-FLAT CHARACTERS.

-Every time Edward says he's bad for Bella/shouldn't be with Bella etc. God kills a kitten.

-Once again, they devoted disproportionate screen time to the angst and the fight lasted like a minute. That was a cool fight. It could've taken up the space of about three angst scenes. Or most of the time they spent in that tent bitching.

-They don't use their decent actors. Rosalie got a scene, Carlisle got a couple lines. What about Jacob's dad? He's a pretty cool guy. He played the part of Mr. Exposition and Foreshadowing, and that was about it. Bella's human friends, including the Academy Award-nominated one? Two scenes.

-"It's Victoria." THANK YOU WHAT A BRILLIANT LEAP OF LOGIC THAT EVERYONE SHOULD'VE MADE ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES AGO.

-Needless side plot with Victoria and that guy. Riley, I think. Rileys suck in every vampire show they're in apparently.

All in all, there were some good bits, but they didn't make seeing the movie worth it. It was still less painful than New Moon. But I think childbirth may be less painful than New Moon. Also possibly shorter.

Camping...

Just back from camping near Wildwood in New Jersey with my family. It was...an adventure! A week with your family is always a test of willpower and this one was exceptionally testy, if you will. We get there and I start setting up the tent and try to conscript my sister's help. She sees an ant, squeals and disappears off to the pool, leaving me to set up our massive 3-room tent alone.

I should point out that for this whole trip I was wearing plaid shirts and hiking boots and very obviously checking out girls at the beach, and my incredibly dense familia has yet to pick up on my blatant lesbianism. I'm out to my sister (16) and brother (8), and have actually come out to my parents many, many times, but they keep forgetting. Most of our exchanges went like this:

Mom: Ooooh, girls, look! *Mom points at crowd of shirtless jogging men, Father rolls eyes*
Savannah: Very nice, very nice! I take one home!
Captain: Remember to feed it and cut a hole in the box. *watches the girl tanning nearby*

Ah, family.

Hetero-bashing!

Work today was a little on the quiet side. There was no one in the room I usually work in, so the supervisor I work with and I went down to the infant nursery. There were only two toddlers and the three kids of another supervisor down there, so the four of us mostly sat around talking.

We got onto the subject of bills and paying them, and one of the supervisors mentioned taking "the gay hotel" off her credit card. Apparently on her latest vacation to Montreal, her travel agent booked them a room in what turned out to be a seedy hotel in the gay district. As soon as she starts in on it I start cringing on the inside...she's talking about switching hotels, and how "even the gay couples" were commenting on how bad it was, and worrying about being "hetero-bashed" as soon as she walked in the door...

Now, I should say first off that I have a great deal of respect for this woman. She has 4-5 kids, all home births, the first of which was born when she was 18. She is still married to the high school boyfriend she had her first son with and they have all grown up great kids. But honestly, I cannot think of one time anyone has been "hetero-bashed," and I really, deeply dislike hearing straight people fearing it. I realize some gays are fairly hostile towards straight people, but how many instances are there of boys actually being beaten for walking down the street holding hands with their girlfriend?

I still love my job though.

Capital Pride

This past weekend was Pride, which was pretty neat. I bought a big rainbow flag that I'm finding ways to smuggle around without the parental units seeing it. Sunday I had to work at church, which is entertaining for a whole slew of reasons that are too complicated to list, so I got home Saturday night at about 2 AM, got up at 6, went to go smile and be cheery at evangelicals and children, and then went home to prepare for "going to this cool shop we found in the city," which is Closetcode for "the Pride street festival."

Also, last night I went to see Toy Story 3, which blew my mind with its sheer quantity of perfect. Everyone should see it. Also, Ken is totally gay. Barbie is his beard.